Sunday, 4 January 2015

Chapters are not forever (total epiphany)

I read many year end reflections this week. Lots of resolutions. Lots of promises. I posted one on FB too. Folks from all over were claiming that 2015 is going to be the best year yet.
It might be.
This is more than the beginning of a new year for me. This is the beginning of a whole new chapter in my life. I've had four months to grieve the loss of my job and make some sort of sense of that. I've dusted myself off. It's time to start over again.
I've had more doors close. I've sung with a group of Ladies for four years and that is done. I've applied for close to 150 jobs and most of them were "no". I've had a handful of interviews and been offered a new job to start probably this week. I'm not going to tell you what the job is, because I have two more interviews in the next 48 hours and another two after that, so even if I start this one, it may be a short tenure.
I look back at my life and wonder why it is so hard for me to move from chapter to chapter.
 - When I graduated from High School I went back over and over again for most every event.
 - I remember waking up the morning that my Parents took me to College. My first thought was, "This is the end of life as I know it.".
 - Then, when I graduated from College I sobbed during the entire ceremony. I could not bear for my College years to be done.
 - When I moved from Manitoba to BC I couldn't tell any of my students. Someone else had to. I could not share the news that I was leaving. Too hard.
 - I held on to a marriage for years that the other partner did not want to be part of. I could not fathom the end. It killed me.

These last four months its been mourning a job that I loved. And wondering what is next.
And being kind to myself in that process.
I sort of know what is next. There will be more school, there will be more teaching. there will be new adventures. Hopefully there will be a job that I love but even if there's not, I have learned an important lesson these 16 weeks. IT'S NOT FOREVER.
It doesn't sound like an epiphany but it is. I have travelled through each part of my life with this idea that THIS IS IT. And I have given 150% of myself to each section of my life because THIS IS IT.
But it's not.
Some things are. God and my family and some friends I know are along for the ride forever, but most things and people are seasonal.
That seems harsh and mean of me to say. I want everyone to be everything forever.
But it can't be. I can't let it be. It's too hard.

So in 2015 I am giving myself permission to move on. To make new memories. Some with the same people, some with new people. If I don't like my new job, it's not forever. I will keep God and my family as my focus, because they ARE forever (some of you will argue that family is not forever because they will pass away, as I will, but you know what I mean).

I give myself - and all of you - the gift of perspective. May it serve us well.

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