Sunday, 3 May 2015

Or did I?

Oh wow.
It's been so long since I've written.
Actually I've been writing all the time, it just hasn't been for this audience. I went back to school in January and I loved it. I did feel overwhelmed by all the reading and driving back and forth and all the assignments. At the same time, I LOVED being challenged and stretched and I learned so much my head hurt. My Professor for Engendered History was fantastic, she had a huge influence on me. I just wish I would have had the time to do a "smash-bang" job on all my assignments, instead of a "good" job on them. You know what I mean.
I've been teaching and working at Communitas,  swimming through the murky "what's next" waters. Each time I think I know what a nice tidy answer is--it is all of a sudden not nice and tidy and I'm making decisions where I need to accept or decline offers based on necessity rather than want. I wish things were straight forward. They are not. Still.
I feel overwhelmed by where I am in my parenting journey. One minute I am so sick of driving my kids everywhere I want to scream, the next minute I want to keep them little and with me and the thought of Ben going away to University next year KILLS me. Like I can't even comprehend or cope. Even though I know that's what's next. And best.
There are financial pressures as well. My income has changed by about half in the last couple months and it's hard to keep up. We've had to make adjustments to how we live and I don't like that.
I cannot imagine where I would be if I didn't have Jarrett in my life. I wondered why I met him so quickly after I became a single mom, I thought I'd be alone for longer. I guess God knew I needed him NOW because frankly I'd be in the psych ward without his support. But that part of my marriage makes me uncomfortable too. I wanted our marriage to be a partnership, one where we contribute and need equally. I need him far more than I am comfortable with right now.
When I left New Life I spent some time praying with a couple friends. We prayed about all the churchy stuff and that was fine, and as we processed other parts of my life we hit a BLOCK. Like a huge weight. They wondered what it was. I knew what it was. But I did NOT want to tackle it.
I did not want to need my husband.  I saw remarrying as a lovely choice built on mutual admiration, compatibility and respect. But I did not want to be seen as the weak link in any way. Especially bringing my four kids with me.
I am now in a place where I am weak and I need him. I need God too, (for those of you who think I'm not clinging to God--oh I am!) but Jarrett has skin on and he can take out the garbage. And he's a good kisser.
I guess you could say I feel stuck, vulnerable, and uncomfortable. I feel like there may be brightness to my future, but it won't likely come without a lot of hard work. And I look at others (which I know I shouldn't do) and wonder why their lives are so much easier than mine.
OK now I'm just whining.  
I have no tidy anecdote to wrap this post up with. I now need to go do the dishes and in a few hours take my kids over to see their dad. The sun will continue to rise and set. I will do my best. I will work hard. I will follow the paths I need to go down.
And believe that down those paths I will find life.  

1 comment:

  1. Needing is not a sign of weakness.
    There will be a time when he will need to lean on you.
    That's just marriage.
    Beautiful, messy, complicated, wonderful relationship.
    I really need my Father in Heaven far more than he needs me. The beauty in that is He really likes to be needed. Nope, needing is not a weakness.... it's actually a sign of our humanity and maturity.
    It's tough to be a grown up.