I wondered what was going on with me this week. I felt so out of sorts. I wrote a post but didn't "publish" it on FB because I didn't really want you to see me like this.
I feel indignant to the position I am now in.
The word I used was inconvenienced.
I sent the post to two people, my darling husband and my BFF. Their response was that:
1. I'm pretty normal
2. I'm having a tantrum
Well frankly I don't like either. I want my struggle in my circumstances to be NOT a struggle. I thought I was so "connected" as Richard Rohr says, that I can float from experience to event to joy to sorrow without so much as a hiccup.
And speaking of Richard Rohr, on Tuesday he said,
All you can do is stay
connected to the Source, which connects you to everything else. We don’t know
how to be perfect, but we can stay in union. “If you remain in me and I remain
in you,” says Jesus, “you can ask for whatever you want and you’re going to get
it” (see John 15:7). When you’re connected, there are no coincidences or
accidents anymore.
God help me in my unbelief.
The BFF, ok let's just call her Karen, because that's her name, then went on to say, "What I hear your post really saying is 'I am
not special anymore, and I am not even sure who I am anymore.' And that's
really appropriate for where you are."
I don't like that she said that.
In May I spoke at church and COINCIDENTALLY ENOUGH the sermon ended up being about ego. The text was John 3:30 "He must become greater, I must become less." In the Greek, the direct translation of the last part of the verse is "ego must become less". And I went on to say that opportunities for our ego to become less are usually inconvenient and not sought after.
Damn right.
Maybe I'm stumbling upon something here. Maybe change (and my resistance to it) has more to do with my ego and my plan than I thought. She then suggested I do some work around meditation and suggested the book "Christian Meditation" by James Finley.
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