Wednesday, 8 October 2014

the middle of fear

I did learn doesn't get any easier, living in the middle of fear and uncertainty.

I've done it before. More than once. And I've made it through. And each time I made it through I said to myself, "See? Next time I won't worry - God took care of me/us." I told myself that next time I'm in a hard situation I won't need to cry/fret/stress/freak out because I know that I know that I know that I will be looked after.

God help me in my unbelief. Sitting here thinking about what's coming in a couple months - or what is not coming - the fear can almost strangle me. Because of something else I've learned along the way.

Sometimes the worst that can happen actually happens.

So I can go there. Sit there. Camp there.
Or I can steer my mind to a happy place filled with unicorns and rainbows.
Equally as delusional.

The fact of the matter is, I was VERY comfortable in my position. Sure, I had no pension, but once I finished my M. Div., that would come.

I think what I am most fearful of is the fact that likely, I am going to be uncomfortable.
Likely, I need to reinvent myself.
That takes work.
And in that work lies risk.
Risk of rejection.
Risk of pain.
Risk of uncertainty.
Risk of no comfort.

I really, really liked the person I was. It was good for me, my family, those people around me. It worked.

This week I feel anger. I feel like a sacrificial lamb.

My heart acknowledges that I'm most upset because plain and simple I am being inconvenienced. I am now fearful. I am now needing to look at myself and answer the question, "How am I going to survive this time?"

It doesn't get any easier, living in the middle of fear and uncertainty, because even though God has kept me this far along, I can't help but wonder if this is the one time that he won't....

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